wow, has everything changed since the last time i've posted.

bills have begun endlessly piling up, and i've experienced a couple heartbreaks since february. lost friends, new friends, new habits, lost habits, new goals. amazing how life changes so quickly.

i'm not an "army girlfriend" anymore, although he continues to be a large part of my life. im hanging on the edge as to what to do with my future. so...when struggle and pain is all you've ever been through, what do you do? follow your brain and make your future easy, or follow your heart and continue to deal with pain and suffering?

ive spent endless nights trying to figure out what I do from here. and it still amazes me how life and options can change within a short week. a 4 year relationship can instantly change in one week all because of another person. and for some reason, i just still don't know how to let go of that one person.

out of every relationship in my life, out of every heartbreak and hurt i've been through, he is the one person that has hurt me the most. and yet he's the only one that continues to have my heart no matter what i do to move on. so many opportunities in front of me that can make my life so much more easier and better, with someone that will love me endlessly, and i don't want it. and at the same time, the one person who has my entire heart doesn't want it, ever again, because his whole heart is with another girl.

so, yet again, i'm stuck with another challenge. i'm scared to make a leap into something else because theres always that "what if". what if i fall in love with someone else, just to miss an opportunity. what if i convince myself im in love with a new person just because i want to get over him, when i'm really just lieing to myself? what if i never get over him.

"I'm not the best and I admit that. I make mistakes but I learn from them. My past has given me struggles beyond what anyone knows. I keep a lot of things bottled up inside of me because I don't want to get hurt, I won't let myself. But there is one thing I am certain of - i'm better than her. Not because I love you more, but because I can give you everything you've been looking for."

"Never dull your shine for someone else."
- Tyra Banks

"I thought briefly of cliches, about how you were supposed to see your life flash before your eyes. I was so much luckier. Who wanted to see a rerun, anyway?"
- Bella, "New Moon"

Why does life have to be so complicated? We all search for our happiness while continuously putting ourselves in hurtful situations. it's like the 3 year old that touches the hot stove, after his mother telling him not to because it'll hurt. and, of course, the 3 year old does it. we're the three year old, and after life tells us not to do certain things because it'll hurt us in the end, we still do it because we find pleasure, happiness, satisfaction in doing so. the part where we differ from the 3 year old, however, is the fact that most of us continue to make the same mistakes just to get that short little satisfaction just to get the prolonged hurt in the end.

maybe this is what makes us stronger in the end. maybe, this is what we have to go through to be the mother later on in life, telling their three year old not to touch the stove, telling our teenage daughter the ups and downs of heartbreak and relationships. to hopefully teach our children differently through our mistakes. but what kid listens to their parents, anyway?

who sits there and knows they've learned from their mistakes but continuously makes the same ones? i do. i always have. and thats why ive continuously made things so much more complicated for myself in the long run.

if you didn't have trust in a relationship to begin with, and nothings been proven to change that fact, why continue to believe its a good relationship when its not there? why continue to make that same mistake, over and over? you can love someone with all of your heart and not trust them one bit. and not trusting them can cause multiple problems, no matter how bad you don't want to fight with them. but how far can the blame go on just one person for not trusting, for causing fights because of not trusting? not far, thats what being in a relationship means. even if not trusting someone else ends up just being and over reactment, both people have to work with each other to overcome it. one person should not change themselves alone.